I am a mess

I am a mess. And not the cute mess as in messy bun and yoga pants but the kind of mess that really makes you stop and think what is happening in my life. Several months ago I thought I knew what I wanted and what the next chapter for me looked like but God had different plans. I had a job which if I’m being honest with myself I wasn’t happy with and it didn’t suit me and then another job fell in my lap but I quickly realized it wasn’t the right fit either. So there I was feeling like a failure and I just kept my choices to myself because it was easier than admitting defeat.

I really felt the Lord called me to go back to school so I went and now here I am unemployed and wondering if my discernment is more like a mac truck I’m driving to get to where I think I should be going. When I was in graduate school we had a lot of major things happening in our life all at once so I feel like the last year and a half has almost been a blur that I am just now really feeling the effects from.

I’ve seen so many posts from friends lately about being thankful for their tribes and I’ve had to reflect on that absence in my life. We made the decision to move and switch churches which we know was and is the right decision four our family but what that created was a rift between those we were closest with which has been a tough pill to swallow. It’s caused me to doubt who I am because if people don’t want to invest in me anyone more, am I worth it? It’s caused to me to wonder what’s wrong with me if I can’t sustain friendships 20 minutes up the road. I told you I’m a mess. But I want to be honest about my mess because I feel its the social media filtered lives that we all post do us a disservice. That filter of “look how wonderful my life is and everything is perfect”. I’m tired of looking for the right filter. The stress of social media is real and I know I can’t be the only one who thinks that. I just want to be open and honest with myself and everyone. Sometimes you have to claim your mess before you can start picking it up.

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